Jabba the Hut and other stories

Schooling is expensive here. I don’t get much change from $15,000. Yes, it’s private. And the teaching medium is English. The only other alternative is going native and doing it all in Arabic. Or Urdu. So we can’t vote with our feet.

And herein lies the problem. The school has fantastic teachers. But the management sucks. The primary school is vacillating between two different teaching systems, doing both of them in a half-arsed way. The teachers haven’t been trained properly in the new methods (they are sort-of changing between British SATS and PYP), so they not happy. The parents weren’t even informed of the changes until after the fact. After doing PYP for most of the year, the kids get informed that they have 3 months to do the whole SATS system and write external exams. So you have a school full of confused kids, 14 teachers leaving, the principal flouncing around and going on recruitment trips to the UK, and the parents looking for rope and a tree (luckily the desert doesn’t have too many trees). The Principal of the primary school (Jabba the Hut) is totally out of her element and is blissfully unaware that the school is imploding all around her.

The Principal of the secondary school is ok, so nuff said about him. The head of the school, herinafter known as Poison Dwarf, has small man syndrome. When challenged at PTA meetings his favourite tactic is to grab his mobile phone, pretend to answer it, and flee the room. The secondary school can’t decide which side of the fence to sit on either, so the school management finds itself with their proverbial balls stuck in the barbed wire.. they haven’t decided which education system to use either, but have fired teachers and told kids “the option of subjects you chose earlier this year is no longer available”. What makes the situation more dire is that it seems the school may not yet be accredited to teach in the new system – this of course means that when darling Johhny or Ahmed want to apply to study at Cambridge or MIT they gonna tell him, “sorry we don’t take people who haven’t had a proper education”

What to do? Changing school means (i) commuting (as in 3 hours a day), (ii) moving to a different city, (iii) changing jobs and leaving the country, or (iv) sending the kids and wife to another country and seeing them once or twice a year. The joys of expat life….now where did I leave that rope?

Where I live

I live in Ras al Khaimah, United Arab Emirates
25.78 North, 55.94 East

If you flew from Ras al Khaimah in an easterly direction, you’d fly over the following places:

Hyderabad, Jaipur, Saidpur, Kunming, Fuzhou, Taipei, Iwo-Jima, Midway Island, Hawaii, Monterrey, Miami, Bahamas, Canary Islands, Luxor, Riyadh, Bahrain, Ras al Khaimah

If you flew from Ras al Khaimah in an northerly direction, you’d fly over the following places:

Qushm Island, Aral Sea, Orenburg, Ufa, Perm, Chermoz, Nova Zembla, North Pole, Prince Patrick Island, Prince George, Campbell River, Vancouver Island, Port Alberni, Neah Bay, Pitcairn Island, South Pole, Possession Island, Reunion, Mauritius, Agalega Island, Seychelles, Socotra, Haima City, Empty Quarter, Al Ain, Ras al Khaimah

Crap

My whole life I’ve been taught to do the responsible thing. Part of my Calvinistic upbringing I suppose. It builds character my mother used to say. If you act responsibly and honourably you can look people in the eye and sleep well at night.

I did the responsible thing today. For the greater good. Will I sleep better at night? Shit no. I’m going to spend the rest of my life wondering if this wasn’t the one time I should’ve been selfish and put me first.

On a more positive note – I’ve recently made a lifelong friend. And that doesn’t happen too often.

Government corruption

The ANC is selling “face time” with Cabinet ministers and senior government officials for up to R60000 in a controversial new effort to raise funds .

The new scheme already has 2000 paid-up members and promises them knowledge of “upcoming government decisions”.
The scheme offers businesses “silver”, “gold” or “platinum” membership for between R3000 and R7000. Big corporates are charged between R12 500 and R60 000.

http://www.sundaytimes.co.za/PrintEdition/Article.aspx?id=388608

Africa is known for government corruption – but doing it this openly? This is like franchising the government, pay enough and you buy the whole cabinet…

Quo vadis

“You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

Always, always take the red pill

Radiology 101

Euphemisms for female masturbation

3 Point Shot
A night in with the girls
Airing the orchid
Applying lip gloss
Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Automatic pilot
Banging the box
Bashing the gash
Basting the tuna
Basting your turkey
Bathing the kitty
Beating around the bush
Beating the Beaver
Brushing the beaver
Brushing your afro
Buffing the bead
Buffing the Weasel
Burying the knuckle
Butterin' the muffin
Buttering your bagel
Carpet bumping
Cat got tongue
Checking for depth
Checking for squirrels
Checking for the jackpot
Checking my oil
Checking the foxhole
Checking the muffler
Checking the oil
Checking the pulse
Checking the status of the I/O port
Circling the knoll
Clam bake for one
Cleaning between the camel's toes
Cleaning my fur coat
Cleaning the kitchen
Cleaning your fingers
Clit-o-Rama
Clitters
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Coaxing the turtle out of her shell
Coming into your own
Copping a clam
Creamin'
Creamin' the pie
Cunt cuddling
Cunt rubbing
Defrosting the freezer
Dialing the rotary phone
Diggin' the stench trench
Digging a trench
Digging for gold
Digging for my keys
Digging in
Digging the cream
Digitizing
Dipping
Dipping for ice cream
Diving for pearls
Diving for pennies
Doing my nails
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the sweet slide
Doing the two-finger slot rumba
Doing the two-finger ballet
Doing the two-finger salute
Doing your nails
Doodling the noodle
Double knuckling
Double-clicking your mouse
Dousing the digits
Draining your tuna
Drilling for fish
Drilling for oil
Drinking from the fountain of youth (for us contortionists)
Drinking from the furry cup
Driving Ms. Daisy
Dunking your doughnut
Dusting the endtable
Engaging in safe sex
Entering the forest
Entering the ring of fire
Erasing the problem
Excavating the Tunnel of Love
Exploring the bush
Fanning the fur
Feeding the bearded clam
Feeding the cat
Feeding the pony
Feeding your slot
Feeling your funnel
Fiddling the bean
Filling the pink taco
Filling your niche
Finding yourself
Finger bang
Finger blasting
Finger dipping
Finger fucking
Finger pie
Finger-pole the hole
Fingerbating
Fingering
Fingering something out
Fingerpainting
Finishing the job
Fishing
Fishing for cumpliments
Fishing for mackerel
Flash flood
Flickin' the bean
Flicking the switch
Flicking the tic tac
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Flitting your clit
Flossing the cat
Fluffing the kitty
Fluffing the muff
Frigging
Fucking without complications
Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Gagging the lips of love
Genital manipulation
Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion
Getting a date with slick mittens
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting mud for my turtle
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting the little man in the boat to go fishing
Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
Getting to know yourself
Gilding the lily
Going around the corner
Going deep sea diving
Going fishing
Going mining
Going solo
Going to and from the Batcave
Greasing your hips
Gristle rub
Groping the grotto
Gusset typing
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Harpooning your tang
Having a date with Martin Five-Fingers
Having ladyfingers and cream
Having sex with someone you love
Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw
Hitchhiking South
Hitchhiking to heaven
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Hitting the slit
Hitting the spot
Honing the stone
Hula-hooping
Indoor fishing
Itching the ditch
Jabberwocking
Jennying off
Jiggling your jenny
Jilling off
JocelynEldering
Jostling the Elder
Juicing it up
Juicing Lucy
Killing off
Letting your fingers do the walking
Levy break limbo
Licking my lips (for us contortionists)
"Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)"
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making a mini Eiffel Tower
Making kitty purr
Making my lips swell
Making soup
Making the little man sing
Making your own gravy
Manual override
Menage a moi
Mistressbate
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nulling the void
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the finger canoe
Paddling the pink canoe
Pampering the pussy
Parting my meat curtain
Parting the Red Sea
Patting the panky
Pearl fishing
Peeling the peach
Perusing the Yellow Pages
Petting Snoopy
Petting the kitty
Petting the little man in the canoe
Petting the petunia
Petting the pussy
Petting the pussy cat
Petting your bunny
Petting your kitty
Playing couch hockey for one
Playing on the cricket green
Playing poker
Playing solitaire
Playing the banjo
Playing the beaver
Playing the box
Playing the clitar
Playing the hairy guitar
Playing the little Dutch boy
Playing the silent trombone
Playing the slots
Playing with the man in the boat
Playing with your pineapple
Pluggin the leak
Plunging the drain
Plunging the happy hole
Pokin' the pucker
Poking the pudding
Polishing the nugget
Polishing the peanut
Polishing the wedding ring
Polishing your pearl
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Producing whore moans (hormones, get it? ;^)
Pushing the button
Pussy poking
Pussy soccer
Putting out the fire
Putting the dot in .org
Reading braille
Reading the map of Tasmania
Ride the glide until the tide
Riding the bed post
Riding the cotton pony
Riding the unicycle
Riding the waterslide
Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
Ringing your bell
Rocking the boat
Rollin the ol' bean
Rolling the dough
Rolling the marble
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Rubbing the donut
Rubbing the red pussycat
Rubbing the stub
Salting the beef curtains
Scoring the hoop
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Scratching the patch
Scratching where it itches
Searching for Ms. "G"
Seasoning your fish
Secret vice
Sending Muffin Morse Code
Sexercising
Shaking hands with Mr. Paul
Shaking the dew off the lily
Shebopping
Shining the diamond
Shooting hoops
Shooting the rapids
Shucking the fresh water clam
Shucking the oyster
Slappin' the crack
Slapping slit
Slapping Susie
Slapping the flap
Slapping the mackerel
Slapping the meat curtain
Slapping the skunk guts
Slicing pie
Sliding down the chute
Sliding into home
Slob the knob
Snatching
Soaking in Palmolive
Soaking the whisker biscuit
Softening the peach
Spanking the spot
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking
Spelunking in the hairy caves
Spelunking in the mystery cave
Splashing in the sea
Squeezing the peach
Steaming the oyster
Stiffening my upper lip
Stinky pinky
Stirring it up
Stirring the honey pot
Stirring the pudding
Stirring the sauce
Stirring the soup
Stoking the furnace
Stroking the box
Strumming
Strumming the banjo
Strumming the big open C
Surfing the channel
Surfing the Slippery Sea
Surfing the web
Sweeping the chimney
Swimming in the crimson lake
Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
Swimming in the Red Sea
Takin' it to tuna town
Taking a dip
Taking a dip in the lake
Taking advantage of yourself
Taking the German u-boat into port
Tapping the tuna
Teasing the kitty
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Teasing the tuna
Teasing the tuna taco
Tending your own garden
Testing the plumbing
Testing your waters
The disappearing finger trick
The girly gusher
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
The other monthly visitor
The two-fingered tango
The virgin's release
Tickling the kitty
Tickling the pearl
Tickling the taco
Tickling your fancy
Tiptoe through the TwoLips
Toggling the bit
Tossing the pink salad
Touching your tigeress
Touching your tuna
Touring Tasmania (triangular shaped Australian island)
Tracing the vertical smile
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Twiddling your twat
Twinkling the little star
Twirlin' the pearl
Two-finger taco tango
Two-finger typing
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting with Father Thumb and his four sons
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Walking Downtown
Washing my hands
Washing your fingers
Waxing the canoe
Waxing the milk duds
Weaving the carpet
Whipping your cream
Whipping your nest
White knuckling
Working in the garden
Working out at the Y
Wrinkling fingers

Baby on board...

Why I won't be back...

I came back to SA after 10 years in the buiteland. It gave the spouse and the kids a chance to live a normal life, me a chance to finish my MBA and to sit in the coffee shops and look at people for a while. In hindsight it was probably the best four years of my life. But money doesn’t last forever, and the income from my Africa ventures was a bit erratic. So I started the big South African job hunt….

In six months I sent out 1,608 CV’s – every single one of them purposely written for a specific job. I received numerous phone calls, most along the lines of “ you’re perfect, but it’s an affirmative action position etc etc”. I saw the headhunters, the brokers, the lot. Nothing.

So I tried the international market again. I didn’t want to – the family was very happy in Cape Town. I sent out 16 CV’s one Sunday morning. Within two weeks I had nine firm job offers. Will I go back? Probably not. The sods at www.homecomingrevolution.co.za can forget it – they are wasting their time.

Jobs in Dubai (Part 3)

I've had quite a response to this. There are hundreds of websites advertising jobs in Dubai - these are the best...

www.jobtrackme.com
www.bacme.com
www.clarendonparker.com
www.talentdubai.com
www.jobs-me.com
www.chartehouseme.ae
www.hrhits.com

Jobs in Dubai (Part 2)

Salaries in the Gulf are higher than in South Africa, but not by much. Where it does make a difference is that you don’t pay income tax. Food is about half the price it costs in SA. White goods and cars are about a third of the SA costs. Accommodation in Dubai is horrendous - a two bedroom apartment will cost you about R10,000 a month. Many people have moved to outlying towns and commute to save money. There is crime here, but compared to SA it’s not even worth mentioning.

What makes it all worth while is the quality of life. I don’t even have keys to my house any more. I leave my car keys in the ignition at night. If you forget your cell phone somewhere, people bring it to you. Unlike Saudi, the spousoid is allowed to drive, can wear (almost) anything she wants, and has most of the freedoms she would have at home. In addition she gets to go the front of the queue (but that’s so men aren’t tempted to perve if she stands in the queue in front of you). Is it paradise? No. Is it better than South Africa? Probably. Forty five thousand South Africans seem to think it is.

Jobs in Dubai

It's boom time here, and there is a huge shortage of people that actually know what they're doing. There are three ways to get a job here:

1.Internet/job advert search – that’s how I got mine, but I haven’t found it to be a particularly successful way to do things. Mostly because the internet allows about 4 million people to apply for the same job and the poor HR clerk has about 10 seconds per CV..

2.Come up for a visit and bring your CV. Spend your time visiting companies. There’s such a shortage of skills that this system actually works.

3.Getting your name CV passed on by someone you know. Business here is built solely on relationships. Sometimes a weird way to do business, but I’ve grown to like it. If someone you know and trust gives you a CV, you look at it seriously.

If any of my fuckwit friends want to come work here in the land of Babel and you need help you can contact me on phil1959@gmail.com

Dubai madness

I manage a mining/crushing/quarry company here in the UAE. We take mountains, crush them into little bits, put it into trucks, and move it to Dubai where they make concrete mountains. We also sell boulders which get dumped into the sea to make the palm islands, the world island, and a whole bunch of other islands along the coast.

It’s a boom that’s difficult to comprehend if you’re not here. The UAE has 4.5 million people living here (of which 85% are expats). We produce more aggregate than the UK and France combined. More than 30% of the world’s cranes are in Dubai alone. Our sister company has just started another project – 21 buildings, all more than 40 storeys high. All of them have to be completed in 14 months. And they are not big players in the industry. At Jebel Ali next door to Dubai they’ve started a new city of 142 square kilometers for 900,000 people. Time to finish – 5 years. Not to mention the new airport that can take 120 million passengers a year… The pic above is of one of the new housing complexes being built..

There isn’t enough labour, not enough engineers, not enough raw material – and it’s been booming like this for years. Is it a bubble? Will it burst? No one knows. Even the experts differ widely, some say it’s going to crash and burn, others say this is just the start.

Silly sign

This was taken just outside Dubai recently - the bloody eskimo tribes are really squatting everywhere these days...

AAAAAAARGH

Trying to post a photo - all I get it "Timeout waiting for external publisher." Bugger

Euphemisms for male masturbation

Fondle your flagpole
Free Willy
Frost the pastries
Frosting your maple bar
Frying up the corndog
Gallop the old lizard
Gardening with the golden trowel
Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
Get a date with Slick Mittens
Get the German soldier marching
Get to know yourself
Get your pole varnished
Give it a tug
Give your low five
Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money
Go a couple of rounds with ol' Josh
Go blind
Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
Go the blow
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vader's head
Goose the gherkin
Grease the pipe
Greasing the three-legged cow
Hand job
Hard labor
Have one off the wrist
Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college
Hitchhike to heaven
Hitchhike underneath the big top
Hitting too close to home
Hoisting your own petard
Hold the bishop
Hold the sausage hostage
Holding your own
Hone the cone
Honk your horn
Hosing down the driveway
Hotfooting it to the nearest exit
Hug the hog
Hump your hose
Investing in pork bellies
Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell
Jack hammer
Jazz yourself
Jerk Jamby
Jerk the gherkin
Left to your own devices
Letting the cat out of the bag
Liquidating the inventory

Water, water, everywhere (part 2)

The previous post reminded me of our water supply in Nairobi. There were six villas that were fed with one 15mm pipe. The villas were owned by the Minister of Water Affairs. Our particular meter ran backwards - every month I seemed to supple Nairobi with about 100 cubic metres of water. And for the privilege of doing that I was presented, every month, with an account for $25,000. And every month I took it to the water dept, and every month they cancelled my debts. When I left two years later it still hadn't been sorted out...

We also had some fun with high tension power cables they stretched over our verandah...they were only a metre above the banister. And since the kids were only allowed to play with 11,000 volt lines on Christmas day I had to get the doors to the verandah welded shut.

Water, water, everywhere...

For the last five months our water consumption at home has been between 4,000 and 5,000 units. Whether it's litres, gallons, cubic feet or cubic metres I'm not sure because it's written in Arabic. This month my usage is 29,000 units! The very friendly but non-English speaking department finally gets the message. They check the metres etc etc - turns out the guy who reads the meters was on long leave and no-one replaced him. They just guessed the consumption for 5 months...

Lazy Friday

Today is Friday. Which is very similar to a Sunday in the old South Africa. The lights are turned off and the the streets rolled up and sent to the dry cleaners. Well not quite - after midday prayers everything returns more or less to normal. Most people work a six day week, so Friday is your only day off. Yesterday I got hold of some biltong. In SA you'd probably be quite blase about it, but there's not too much of it around. Today, on this day of rest, we sat and ate a kilo of biltong, a kilo of droewors and a kilo of chilli bites while watching kak on TV. Now I'm really really thirsty and I've been asked to go buy some chocolate to get rid of all the salt and cholesterol.

Thursday funny

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.


"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate the feral).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.


"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?


"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and fondle her boobs."


"Fondle her boobs"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"Maybe not," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive.

Losing a friend